100 Funny Wedding Vows You Can Steal & Tips to Write Your Own

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Writing your own wedding vows and want to add some humor in them without embarrassing yourself or your partner? Here are 100 Funny Wedding Vows you can steal and make your own!

100 Funny Wedding Vows You'll Want To Steal

Five Tips to Writing Funny Wedding Vows

OK, so perhaps you are not the funny one in your circle of friends. There’s nothing wrong with that. But if you want to say something both meaningful and funny when standing at the alter, it’s possible you may need a little extra assistance. For those who find that it does not come easy to add humor to your wedding vows, here are five tips that are sure to help you get that laugh:

1. It’s not a roast:

When it comes to wedding vow humor, it’s best to make yourself the butt of the joke rather than your partner. Don’t take your wedding vows as an opportunity to roast your partner’s inability to hold a job for longer than a year in front of friends and family. 

It’s ok to poke fun at something small, but be sure to remember you don’t want to humiliate your partner on your wedding day…especially at the alter.

2. Use jokes in your vows that everyone is in on:

Even your Great Aunt Pam knows that your partner is the world’s biggest Red Sox fan, but it is entirely likely that she does not even know what Assassin’s Creed is. Therefore, you can feel free to poke fun at the Red Sox latest absence from the post season. But when it comes to telling your partner you support the hours spent playing Valhalla? That joke may not land with some of your guests.

You can joke about things they are most known for, and remember to keep it light.

bride and groom laughing during wedding vows

3. Include a pop culture reference:

Whether you wish one another Seven Blessings and good fortune in the wars to come, or you want to tell your partner he is the Jim to your Pam, choose a pop culture reference that the majority of your guests will appreciate.  And if the Game of Thrones or The Office reference don’t land with your crowd, reevaluate why you invited them in the first place. Valar Morghulis? That’s what she said.

I personally added a line about my husband being my lobster in our vows! Most of our guests know my love for F.R.I.E.N.D.S., so it worked perfectly!

4. Wrap it with Sap:

When wrapping up your funny vows, feel free to start and end on a sentimental note that is just the perfect amount of sappy. Start things off with a note of sweet. After getting some well-earned chuckles from your guests, wrap it up by reminding your partner and your family of how thrilled you are to be uniting in marriage in front of all the people you hold most dear.

bride and groom smiling with foreheads touching

5. Check out Fiverr for hilarious vows:

Are you just not terribly gifted with guffaws? Take a handful of meaningful facts about you and your partner, such as where and how you met, and spend $5 on Fiverr to have someone punch them up. Some writers even offer multiple revisions, so you can work with them to get your vows exactly right. 

We personally recommend checking out this Fiverr posting…she’s a stand up comic, and great with writing speeches, hashtags, and more!

Now that you have a few tips to get started, start jotting down ideas and funny memories to get the creative juices flowing. Feeling stuck? Take a walk or try again tomorrow after a good night’s sleep. May your union be blessed and may your guests LOL. 

100 Funny Wedding Vows To Use For Your Own

1I vow to set all our bills to autopayment, so we have one less thing to argue about. 
2I vow to bundle up in a hat and coat indoors because you’re sweating and not willing to crank the thermostat.
3I promise to keep your vintage comic books on display for as long as…OK, sorry. No. I can’t do it. Those are going in storage.
4I vow to take your side when our future children inevitably attempt to gang up on us.
5I promise I will do nothing but brag about you on social media even during weeks when I passive-aggressively ignore you.
6I vow to let the kids eat fast food whenever they want even though childhood obesity is nothing to laugh at.
7I vow to change my status on every social media account to “married” shortly before the appetizers are served.
8I vow to cry with you when my mother insists on wintering with us.
9I vow to wrap up this portion of the ceremony quickly because I can’t wait to get at that prime rib.
10I vow to honor your love of Harry Potter even though it is a children’s book.
11I vow to find a tactful way to tell our guests we prefer cash over flatware.
12I vow to laugh at your puns because I always espouse your cause.
13I vow not to turn into my mother. For at least the first decade.
14I promise not to complain about your shopping habits. But seriously how many pairs of shoes do you need?
15I vow to drink wine with you as tears run down our faces when we realize how difficult parenting is. 
16I vow not to keep score in this marriage since it is pointless because I’m always winning.
17I vow to let the dog out in the middle of the night so you can continue to sleep.
18I vow to give a dirty look to that guy who wore jeans throughout the entire reception.
19I vow to keep you as the one I live with, laugh with, laugh at.
20I vow to spend only two hours a day on our Honeymoon sharing our wedding pictures on Pinterest.
21I vow to ignore your hours of video game playing because I will be too busy browsing Instagram to notice.
22I vow to tell everyone what a saint your mother is even though behind closed doors I confess to you that the woman is bonkers. Like totally cuckoo. 
23I promise to love, honor, and ignore most of what you say when you talk during a playoff game.
24I vow to at least make an attempt to like your cat, but don’t vow to actually like him. That little fluffy jerk is always giving me the stink eye.
25I promise to give it my all when parenting our future children that people will start asking about in the next 30 seconds.
26I promise that when our kids whine, we will both commit to giving them something to whine about. 
27I vow to say “But I feel fine! I can totally drive!” while you offer to drive, totally sober, after I have had some beers.
28I vow to laugh at all your Star Wars references. 
29I vow to give you a high five every time our marriage outlasts that of one of our friends.
30I vow always to bring up that fight from a few years ago just so you don’t forget about it. 
31I promise I will love you more than I love my dog, Zeus. OK, not MORE than Zeus. Equal to Zeus. He’s such a good boy!
32I vow to politely shout “KNOCK THAT OFF!” when you attempt to read a text while driving.
33I promise to say things like “We’ll never let OUR kids do that” and then live to eat those words.
34With this ring, I promise to wash and fold your underpants weekly. If you want it done more frequently, do it your damn self. 
35I vow to contain my crazy so well that you actually think I am a normal person for the first three years. After that I will only let it out in small bursts.
36I vow to leave the room so I don’t have to get involved in any dispute you have with my mother about child rearing.
37I promise to blame a you when I flake out on plans. Because I totally want to go!
38I promise to love and honor you even when you get wrinkles and stop dyeing your roots.
39I vow to take as many pictures as needed for you hit the perfect pose before posting to Instagram.
40I vow to love you, our children, and our dog. Don’t ask in which order. Just be glad you’re on the podium.
41I vow to hide my shopping bags when I return from the mall because it’s my money and I don’t want to hear you complain about how much I spend on shoes.
42I promise to tell our children that I will, in fact, turn this car around. 
43I vow to do my dishes immediately rather than leave them in the sink to let them soak. 
44I promise to cut the line at our open bar to grab you a rum & Coke in the next few minutes.
45I promise to make you chicken soup and grilled cheese when you get a tiny head cold and turn into a colossal pain in the neck. 
46I vow to keep quiet when we get yet another Amazon delivery.
47I promise to listen closely to your problems even if they are like really really stupid.
48I promise not to hog the DVR with my Game of Thrones recordings that I watch once a year because I have not yet come to terms with how Khaleesi went mad.
49I vow to not get annoyed when you take your annual Fantasy Football draft trip to Vegas. 
50I vow to call one of your buddies to bail you out if you ever get tossed in jail. It’s cute that you thought to call me first, though.
51I vow never to ask you to taste something so that I can determine if it has gone bad.
52I vow to explain calmly that you’re not leaving enough stopping distance between our car and the one in front of it. 
53I promise I will love you more than white people love Wayne Brady.
54I vow to never swipe right on anyone again.
55I promise to gang up on our future kids’ teachers for daring to fail our little angels.
56I vow to kick you underneath the table when you try to reason with Aunt Helen about politics at the Thanksgiving dinner table.
57I vow not to notice that I’ve gained 10 pounds and still walk around in my underpants.
58I vow to shake my head every time I see that your car went 1000 miles beyond the recommendation for an oil change.
59I promise there is nothing you need to see in the garage. Seriously. Why are you thinking about going through my tools? Does something need fixing? I’ll get the screwdriver!
60I vow to love you more than I love coffee. OK, that’s just crazy talk. You’re in a tie with coffee.
61I vow to always roll my eyes when you leave your curling iron out. I mean, the cabinet is right there. Just put it away.
62I promise I’ll splash water all over the bathroom within minutes of you cleaning it.
63I vow to remind you during every arugment that you hit the jackpot when you met me.
64I vow to not ask questions when you go through a phase of serving food out of mason jars because of something you say on Pinterest.
65I promise never to invite you to a Taylor Swift concert
66I vow to find out who Bob brought as his date. I mean, yeah, we said +1, but why bring a stranger?
67I vow to make my homemade guacamole each Sunday that your team is in the playoffs.
68I promise to wear this ring as a symbol of our love that I’ll absolutely lose at the gym.
69I promise to smack you on the behind any time you walk in front of me.
70I vow to remember how happy I am on this day as it is certain our future kids will make us miserable. 
71I promise to sweat it out while you freeze to death when it is 80 degrees outside.
72I promise to remain by your side when the hair on your head disappears but shows up in your ears.
73I vow always to forgive. I make no promises regarding forgetting. 
74I promise to pretend to like your sports teams even though I’d prefer to be  binge-watching The Crown on Netflix.
75I promise to still find you attractive in your granny panties.
76I vow to proudly wear this ring even if it is the one I got after exchanging the one you proposed with.
77I vow to offer to help with yard work. Offer.  Not DO yard work. Offer.
78I vow to let our future children eat ice cream for dinner because I really hope they like me more.
79I vow to work hard on this relationship as if it is my job, but I’d like to request two weeks off this summer.
80I promise I will never demand that you put on pants when no one is coming over.
81I vow to remain this hot even when you are bald and chubby.
82I vow to trap any insect under a glass bowl and keep them there until you get home to dispose of them. 
83I vow to love you even if you grow your hair out only to comb it over your bald spot.
84I promise never to skip an episode ahead on anything we are jointly binge-watching. 
85I vow to support your dreams. As long as you don’t have a dream to start a band or buy a bar.
86I vow to help you dial it down when you get fired up and insist on speaking with a manager. 
87I vow to always feed our dog a few scraps off my plate though you warn me it is bad for his health.
88I vow to build a life with you and make countless trips to Lowes’ to do so.
89I vow to work hard to earn money so we don’t spend the next 20 years freaking out about how to pay for our kids’ college tuition. 
90I promise to minimize my napping on our Honeymoon. 
91I promise to help you return about half of the gifts we received today. 
92I vow to clean the shower drain weekly as it clogs with  your rapidly shedding hair.
93I vow to take no less than three bites of food off your plate every time we go out to dinner.
94I vow to cherish those moments where we both are too tired to fold the laundyr, so we leave it in the basket another day.
95I look forward to a few years of bliss that will no doubt end once a baby arrives.
96I vow to explain why a hot curling iron can’t go in the cabinet until it cools down. 
97I vow to go knock that gal who wore white today. Right in her teeth.
98I vow to make up fake plans when we’d both rather want to stay home, but we’d feel rude saying so.
99I vow to keep my cool when your Check Engine light turns on, and you ignore it for three weeks.
100I vow to refill the toilet paper that you very likely will never refill. I mean how hard is it?

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